


Trust me like you do

by NayruElric



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Ash Lynx Needs A Hug, M/M, and a lot more than that tbqfh, but BF fans can't have nice things it seems
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-26
Updated: 2020-09-26
Packaged: 2021-03-08 04:48:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,152
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26669968
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NayruElric/pseuds/NayruElric
Summary: Ash isn't one to show his weaknesses around others, especially not when that "weakness" has been the main source of his comfort throughout the years whenever he's alone.
Relationships: Ash Lynx & Shorter Wong, Ash Lynx/Okumura Eiji
Comments: 4
Kudos: 101





	Trust me like you do

He was a cruel man. Cunning features jutted across high cheekbones capped by greyish-brown hair. Slicked in the manner of a dapper gentleman, his façade hid avaricious sadism. Ash recalled the tendrils that loosened from Fox’s perfect coiffure, fell over his sweaty brow; the spark in his eyes that tugged his lips into a smirk. The man’s putrid smell overwhelmed his senses, racking his body to its core though he was on the brink of unconsciousness and did everything he could to block out the familiar pain deep within him –

The sky swirled above him now. The ground rocked with the same motion as that man pushed into him, and Ash finds himself sitting in a fetal position on the rooftop, staring vacantly at the setting sun. Nibbling his thumb between his teeth, he tries to halt the flood of memories making him sway back and forth against the concrete wall. He was thankful no one else was there to witness his weakness. Polluted air wafted by him in a blur, but it wasn’t enough to distract him from the tape reel of thoughts and sensations clicking through his mind from that moment.

Playing and rewinding.

Playing and rewinding.

Playing and rewinding without stop.

Feeling grounded only by the finger in his mouth, eventually, Ash gave a deep sigh. Exhausted, his head fell against the concrete wall of the rooftop doorway, a finger still in his mouth. His teeth no longer dug into his skin as desperately as before. A rush of relief swept over him. His emotions ground to a halt, no longer a tempest’s dance. 

Tears stabbed the corners of his closed eyes. Though his skin tingled from the heat of the setting sun, the motions and scent of that man still lingered within him. No matter how many times Ash went through this, it was as if he was going through it for the first time… In fact, he wondered if every time it happened, it only built something up within him, adding and adding, until that thing would eventually cause him to burst, and there would be no turning back, too full of the trauma he’d endured.

Ash stayed there for an indiscriminately long time, too lost within himself to move – until, vaguely, he heard the door open beside him on the rooftop’s concrete box. Shocked by shame, swift and electric, Ash swiped his thumb immediately out of his mouth. Like a child who accidentally got caught stealing cookies from a jar, he hid the evidence of the bite marks, clutching one hand within the other. Steeling himself, expecting to see one of his fellow gangmen sauntering around the door, Ash realized the steps were too quiet for it to be one of them.

“Eiji…”

He tried to say it naturally, as if he had just been up here contemplating his next move against Fox and Golzine, but there was already sympathy in Eiji’s dark brown eyes. Dressed in jeans and a short-sleeved shirt, Eiji hesitated only a moment before sitting beside his friend.

Earlier that day, Eiji already caught onto Ash’s avoidance of all that happened. After escaping from Colonel Fox, without Ash’s permission, his body had shut down, made him shake uncontrollably in front of all the others as he was frozen against the wall. He rejected Eiji’s first attempt to reach out to him, seeing his friend in such a state. Even a simple hand on the shoulder seemed to prelude the suffering that was to come. Unable to understand the difference between a loving caress or hedonistic desire… It was only afterward, when Eiji approached him slowly, gently, in full view, closing soft, warm arms around him, that Ash remembered not everyone would use him up until he was full…

The other teen never said it, but he knew Ash didn’t come up here as often as he did simply to get some time away from his comrades. Well, that was a part of it _ , _ but Eiji knew… that wasn’t the only reason. He saw the vacantness in Ash’s eyes, how he shifted like an animal who had just escaped a ferocious beast – because he had. He had never seen Ash look this small, now or earlier that day. No, the hardened gang leader demeanor that he so often pretended to be was gone.

Ash’s struggle to appear normal and unmoved by all that had happened didn’t escape the notice of the perceptive Japanese boy. Another detail didn’t fail to reach him either: The way Ash clutched one hand within the other, as if his life depended on defending this secret…

Moved to help his friend, Eiji wondered how to bring it up. How could he? Something like that? Would it be rude? More triggering? With their backs against the concrete and Eiji’s uncertainty, he said nothing.

A part of Ash wanted to leap from that spot immediately. Had Eiji seen him comforting himself – by sucking his thumb? The possibility made Ash’s heart race and he couldn’t bear to look at his friend in case it was true. He wanted to convince himself and Eiji that he would never do something so childish and embarrassing, that he could keep moving forward –  _ should  _ keep moving – as long as Fox, Golzine, and other men like them still existed out in the fast-paced, corrupt world of New York City. Ash couldn’t spare even a single moment of remiss as long as that was true. Golzine would find him, bind him, drag him back to that wretched place, make him the pampered, begging animal that he once was, existing only to let others use him, attempting to revel in the power over pedophiles he perceived himself to have…

In this instant, Ash’s other instinct was stronger.

Feeling the warmth of Eiji’s arm right next to him, though it barely grazed him, a feeling of peace prevailed over Ash’s body – over that which Fox and thoughts of Golzine had stolen from him – and it refused to let go.

“You know, Ash,” Eiji started carefully, already feeling the tension in his friend from his slow, accented words. “One day, I hope you can trust me enough to tell me how you’re feeling…”

Ash wanted to explode.  _ “Feeling what way?! What do you mean?! I’m fine!”  _ But the words wouldn’t leave his lips. He knew Eiji knew what he’d just been doing. He knew Eiji could see right through the act of the cold and hardened gang leader he played so well in front of the others. More than ever, Ash wanted to scream that Eiji was wrong, that there was nothing wrong at all, and he would never let himself succumb to such weakness, too afraid of someone knowing him in that way and using it against him –

Eiji’s arm closed around his shoulders, pulling him closer – and despite his hearsay, Ash spontaneously allowed himself to cry.

Wholly and heartily and without stop.

He sobbed into Eiji’s chest, clutching his T-shirt, yanking him closer – though in his tears, he was nearly silent. Only a few curt gasps and his shaking and the wetness on his clothes let Eiji know what was happening. So Eiji wrapped his arms around him, a little surprised by the violence with which Ash’s tears fell down his face. It made Eiji realize just how much he’d been holding back, and it pulled his heartstrings, causing tears to form in his own eyes.

Eiji squeezed Ash tighter as he shook and eventually sobbed out loud, though only quietly, unable to pull himself back to reality just yet.

No, not just yet.

Eiji could mention the other thing later.

* * *

**. . .**

* * *

That night, Ash and Eiji sat on the couch in the main area of their hideout. The other gang members were out tracking down any information on Fox and Golzine with an inkling of the hell they put their leader through. Only knowing the other gang members will be gone for most of the night could Ash truly let himself relax. Underneath a blanket, he hadn’t spoken much since sobbing into Eiji’s shirt.

“I’ve never tried making this recipe before, so I hope you like it.”

Ash looked up from his crossed arms. Eiji approached Ash with a steaming platter, noting the characteristic welcoming Japanese cadence he used when serving him food. Yeah, Eiji’s voice had become so familiar to him now that it caused Ash’s chest to swell whenever he heard it, even if it wasn’t directed at him. He couldn’t drink up enough of the warm light emitting from his face and eyes – those innocent and determined eyes, which inspired him to become more than what he was from the moment they met.

Ash tried not to stare, too tired to answer any of Eiji’s questions. Gratefully, he took the plate Eiji offered and murmured, “Thanks.”

Sitting down on the other side of the couch, Eiji dug into the meatloaf with his fork. He was soon chewing slowly as he relished the taste of the fatty food and tomato sauce. When he looked over and saw Ash pensively plucking small bits off the food, he knew Ash was still worried about something, and Eiji thought he knew what that was.

Eiji knew more about Ash than any of the others, perhaps – did that include his thumb-sucking secret? Ash swore he saw Eiji’s head peep around the rooftop door before he realized it was opening, too trapped in his memory to react quickly, but –

The smell of the food interrupted his thoughts.

Startling Eiji out of his trance, Ash mumbled, “It’s delicious,” as he smiled to himself in content.

For some reason, the small gesture caused Eiji’s heart to start beating obnoxiously in his chest.  _ What is this? _ he wondered.  _ Surely, it isn’t panic… is it?  _ They continued to eat in silence, with Eiji observing this feeling inside him.

Plates clattered and Ash sunk back even further into the couch as he watched the lit hearth. While Eiji washed the dishes, he couldn’t help how his gaze drifted over to the long blond head turned away from him on the couch, trying to discern what could be going on inside.  _ I might not get another chance like this, _ he realized, feeling the emptiness between the brick walls without the jokes of the other gang members to fill the cold space. When Eiji was done with the dishes and dried his hands off, he’d gathered his resolve.

Sitting again on the other end of the couch with Ash, he shimmied his legs underneath the blanket. This caught the other’s attention – whose eyes had been closed as he faced the fire – and once Eiji settled in, he looked at Ash’s vaguely annoyed face in earnest.

“Ash, I hope you know you can tell me anything. I’m not going to judge you.”

Immediately, Eiji saw the fear that widened those jade eyes. The reflection of the fire flickered fervently within them, and the muscles in Ash’s face became hardened like stone, doing everything he could not to reveal his feelings and thoughts.

“What are you talking about?” Ash snapped, as if daring him to say it out loud. His voice was like venom, but Eiji knew it was born within the veins of a rabbit trying to protect himself from the fangs of a treacherous snake.

“Here, I’ll tell you something about me first,” Eiji said to diffuse the tension. “My parents, they… have a lot of complications in their marriage and in raising me. They used to fight a lot. So, I watched children’s cartoons as a way to get my mind off it. I would spend hours and hours, all of my time away from school watching cartoons, neglecting my studies because I didn’t want to face reality and wanted to ignore my parents.” Eiji chuckled here, and from the nervousness of it, Ash finally caught on: Eiji hadn’t told anyone this story before. “It got so bad that, eventually, I had lost all of my school friends. I wouldn’t talk to anybody except about the shows I was watching.”

“That explains all the nori nori T-shirts,” Ash muttered, half-turning his head away on the couch cushion.

Eiji smiled as he laughed, “Right?” He turned away again, watching the fire alongside Ash, until the other glanced over at him in curiosity, wondering where the point was in his rambling. In a reticent voice, Eiji continued, “Even now, I still use cartoons when I need to escape from life, whenever things get too stressful for me. But that’s okay.” He looked over at Ash again, a smile on his face. “We all need a break sometimes, right?”

The sincere tenderness in his voice, expression, the way he held his shoulders, the warmth of the space around them, made Ash’s lips fall ajar.

“If you don’t want to talk about it with me,” said Eiji, “I understand, but…”

The rest of Eiji’s words were drowned in the back of Ash’s mind. Gradually, he was lulled into the long-forgotten realm of his memories – things purposely erased, except for the profound effect on him they had retained over the years.

“But it’s embarrassing,” Ash interrupted somewhere amid Eiji’s reassurance.

Eiji said, “It seems like you don’t want me to know because you’re afraid of what I’ll think about you if I do… Is that right?”

_ Spot on, _ Ash thought. He wanted to accuse him,  _ “If you already know, then stop beating around the bush and just say it already?!” _ but Eiji didn’t deserve such harsh words for only trying to help…

Eyes hidden by blond hair, it felt like eons before Ash started to speak.

“Shorter caught me before, and he…” Ash bit his lip. His heart was pounding, though he was already sure Eiji knew. “He…” Ash took a deep breath, trying to ground himself by watching the dancing fire, listening to its crackling, feeling Eiji’s warm socks squirm near him.

Surprised to hear the name, Eiji lowered his voice. “Shorter didn’t understand?”

Ash shook his head. “No,” he spat nostalgically, his mind suddenly searing with images of his dead friend. He could still hear the laughter in other’s voice, see the pierced eyebrow quirking upward as a younger Shorter cocked his head at him in a pitying humor. Shorter’s mohawk was dyed a fiery red when they met in juvenile detention, and he’d caught him sucking his thumb in their cell while Ash was going through a flashback. The two connected early on from their similar jokesy attitudes and way with dealing with the world, but Shorter hadn’t been the most savvy in emotions or comfort – just like Ash. Overtime, he learned to respect Ash’s distance when he needed it, but he, like all the others, could provide no support.

“And your family?” came Eiji’s voice, causing Ash to resurface from the pool of his sentimental memories.

Ash stiffened as he recalled the rough voice that often berated him to today, scolding him not to be weak. “My father…” Ash stopped and said his name, “Eiji…” unable to process their interaction, if only for a moment.

“…He told me it wasn’t healthy, that I needed to learn to cope with things like a man.”

“And Griffin?”

“He told my father to stop.”

The shortness of Ash’s tone made it apparent to Eiji that he wasn’t comfortable divulging more information, but he didn’t want to deny Eiji either.

Wrapping his arms around his knees, Eiji said, “Well, I hope you know you can do whatever you need to comfort yourself around me.”

Ash looked at him in horrified astonishment.

Eiji nodded. “I mean it. Feel free to s –”

“How can you say that?!” Ash blurted. The hot embarrassment engulfing his body anew, nearly hearing Eiji say it aloud. “It isn’t normal! It’s weird! And shameful! I –!”

“Ash…” Eiji’s expression was somber as he leaned forward. A hand clutched Ash’s on the blanket, and the choking sensation in Ash’s gut turned into a breathlessness of a different sort. Did Eiji realize what he was doing? Ash didn’t get time to wonder, for Eiji’s next words silenced all conflict in his mind.

“Don’t you think you deserve this one comfort? After everything you’ve been through…”

Eiji’s voice cracked slightly. He remembered the sight of a young boy shivering against the wall that morning, trembling against him like a lost child. The violation wrought by yet another creep with a superiority complex, who preyed on others in order to fulfill a desire for sadistic violence that would never be quenched – how many times had Ash been forced to shoulder through such horrors alone? How many more times would he be a victim to those without the strength to fight alone, or alongside one another?

Ash didn’t say anything at first, unsure of the reasoning in Eiji’s heart, which was breaking for him. Quickly, Eiji wiped his eyes, also not wishing to show weakness while trying to comfort his friend, and Ash felt himself crumble again. Tears filled his eyes as he looked upon his friend. 

How much Eiji cared about him, how safe he wanted to make him feel – how much he didn’t deserve it…

Eiji hesitated for only a second, lifting his hand from the dent beside him on the blanket, until he touched Ash’s face. The other flinched underneath him, unsure of the action, his eyes switching between Eiji and his hand, until, understanding Eiji meant to wipe away the tears in those jade-colored eyes, Ash relaxed. Something bloomed within his chest that never had before, and he didn’t know how to voice it aloud, or if he even should, in fear it would shatter beneath him the moment he brought it out into the open. He said nothing.

Wanting to say something too, Eiji opened his mouth, but the sound of the fire and blankets crumpling silenced him instead. Ash fell into his lap. He held onto Eiji as he brought his legs close to him and, trying to be surreptitious, he also brought a hand to his mouth. It was almost outside of Eiji’s view, but after a moment, both Ash and Eiji settled back into the couch and stretched out, comfortable in the position and with the other knowing.

Eiji rubbed Ash’s back as Ash clutched him tightly, trembling almost imperceptibly against him. Eiji’s heart swelled with the vulnerability Ash showed to him now. He resigned himself from saying what he wanted to voice earlier.

Because now wasn’t the time to work through confusing confessions of close camaraderie or more… His friend needed to know that Eiji would be there for him regardless of whether these feelings were shared, or known.

The Lynx in the shadows needed to be able to trust at least one person before he could be free – one person who wouldn’t be surprised by a scared, hurt child, who thought he had to fight alone.

**Author's Note:**

> Dear vividvivianna, thank you so much for allowing me to write this idea for you. The moment you told me that my previous _BF_ fic _Boundaries_ (currently only on FFN) inspired you to ask me for a fic, I became immediately intrigued by the idea you wanted me to write. I feel honored to have been able to write this idea, and it was fun getting back into an old obsession of mine. I hope it turned out to be what you wanted~ ^^
> 
> I hope anyone else who stumbles upon this fic enjoyed it, and that you will leave your thoughts below~


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